I'm Old and Wise Now That I'm 40

This is the year I turn 40, and instead of guilting all my friends into making a big deal out of me (no, really, you're too sweet!) I'm going to give you all a present instead. A present of my Wisdom and Experience. You're welcome.

A Random Number of Things
 I Have Learned in the Past 40 Years 

If you need to get something from the kitchen in the middle of the night, an open microwave gives a nice non-blinding light.

Having Tres Leches cake for your birthday means low-guilt leftovers for breakfast the next day. It's cake soaked in milk. It's basically cereal.

You can get a baby or small child to swallow yucky medicine instead of spiting it out by putting one finger in the corner of their mouth and giving it a tug (so they look like Two-Face) while squirting the meds into their mouth. The kid can't get the right mouth shape for spitting.

If your life is boring, try injecting adventure into your everyday tasks. When cleaning, wear rubber gloves and imagine you're getting rid of incriminating evidence after a murder. When starting the dishwasher or washing machine, pretend you're on a starship. "Set course for the laundry nebula, maximum spin." BOOP BOOP Dial Turn START thrumming noise

It's easier to open a box of macaroni and cheese from the bottom. I'm sorry, did I just BLOW YOUR MIND?

You will never not freak out about your housekeeping when your mother comes to visit. Ironically, embracing this fact can lead to less freaking out. Try leaving something obvious messy or undone or objectionable out for her to focus on. This will deflect her attention from anything you actually feel bad about (which you have stuffed into a closet or basement).

The helpful person in a new workplace who takes you aside to warn you about someone else MIGHT be the person you should watch out for.

If Sunday night is the most depressing night of the week because you have to go back to work the next day, you should consider getting a new job. Don't wait two more years while you lose the will to live.

There is such a thing as too much bacon. Theoretically. Much like Absolute Zero, one can only approach Ultimate Bacon under carefully controlled circumstances.

Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies, much like revenge, are best served cold. Stash them in the chest freezer and forget about them until you're looking for freezer space on a boiling August day. Finding cool Thin Mints might change your outlook.

If you rinse off spaghetti, a four-year-old will still be able to detect the foul taint of marinara.